Wecome to boyhood. My son is 5.5y. He is one of the sweetest, most caring and bighearted boys I know, and he runs around with his hands in the shape of a gun, talks about killing and cutting heads off, etc. Does this scare you? Gross you out? It did me. Until I discovered that this is all just a boy's world. Not only that, it's actually good for them! Don't believe it?

Well, you can watch our show where Jomary Hilliard, Ph.D., parent educator at Parents Place in Palo Alto, CA, and mother of 3 grown sons, talks about raising boys. Every book on boys I have read (and I read alot having received my B.A. and M.A. in Psychology) says the same thing. So, what's a mom, who is a woman and not prone to aggressive thinking or behavior, to do? How do moms raise boys when we are the opposite gender: opposed to violence, repulsed by talk of killing and cutting off heads, and disgusted by potty talk and muddy play? It takes a while, but as I have learned first-hand, it can be done.

Being a woman, it has been difficult for me to understand the world of boys. But my son has taught me about this world and, although I'm not entranced by it, I certainly understand it a lot better. So, here's my view of the world of boys (of course, I'm generalizing, since not all boys are the same): 

1. Boys LOVE anything gooey, messy, smelly, dirty, muddy, wet, and crazy. 
2. Boys love to be physical, i.e. fighting, wrestling, throwing, hitting, running, building, lifting.
3. Boys love to have fun. If they can't find the fun, they'll make up the fun. They'll be silly, goofy, obnoxious. They'll do physical humor, verbal humor, and potty humor. FUN, FUN, FUN. That's what they're all about. The more fun another boy is, the more they like him.
4. Boys adore their mothers. They're affectionate, caring, and romantic (yes, even at age 5...everytime I take my kids outside somewhere for a walk to a play in the park, my son picks me a flower). 
5. Boys love to test their limits. Why? Because they are testing where they belong in the heirarchy with their friends, older boys, younger boys, their moms, their siblings, etc. The only heirarchy they don't test or question, is their dad (at least until they get older).
5. Boys love to create with their hands and minds.
6. Boys are competitive.

I'm sure I could think of more if I wasn't so tired. In fact, I'm sure you can think of more if you are the mother of a boy. Suffice it to say that boys are different than girls. They are different than their mothers. And many mothers I've met don't know what to do with this. Should she let him play with swords? Watch Batman cartoons? Buy him a toy gun? Let him pretend he's shooting people?

Before I had a son, I believed that any type of violence should be curbed and that boys should be stopped from being aggressive. Since having my son, I now know that boys need to be aggressive, but that they also need to have limits set for them. Boys want to test their strength and dominance with other boys, yet they need to be taught how to be a good friend and how to be equals. If boys don't get a chance to have their aggressive side and learn to master it, they will push it down and it may come out in ways they cannot control.

I let my son play with guns but the rule is that if anyone doesn't want him to shoot at them (including his sister), he can't shoot at them. I don't try to stop him from being aggressive with his best friend anymore, because I know that it is important to let them work it out on their own and practice the skills of dominance and leadership. Basically, I stay out of his way unless it looks like he needs some guidance and direction. And I'm learning to love his boyishness and to respect his need to find his own power and to master it. He has always wanted to be a protector and defender. He loves superheroes and princes. By letting him practice being strong, and discover the limits of his strength, I am helping him become a man who is confident, knows his limits, knows his physical power, and is respectful and caring because he wants to be, not because he's ashamed of his aggressiveness. I don't want him to be ashamed of being male. Rather, I want him to be in control of his aggressive urges. Then, when he grows up maybe he'll be a big teddy bear, instead of a wild bear.

Our kids had their first sleepover guest last night: a friend of my son's. They're all 5-years-old. It went surprisingly well. My son's friend lives across the street so it's the perfect setup for a first-time sleepover at someone else's house, in case he wanted to go home. There were initial tears at lights out because he missed his parents. He didn't want to go home so I called them and he talked to them on the phone. They reassured him and he said goodnight. Then they went to sleep.

THEN, they woke up at 6:30am! Oy! My husband said our son's friend's dad had told him yesterday that he wakes up at 6:30am every morning. Now I know to find out morning wake-up habits prior to agreeing to a sleepover! But, if this is the only issue with sleepovers, I'm okay with it. I thought for sure there would be middle-of-the-night wakeups and cries to go home, with hubby trudging in his pj's to take the poor kid home to his parents. My hsuband and I even went to bed early in preparation (11:00pm is early for us...). But, everyone slept through the night! 

The only sad part about the sleepover was my daughter's feelings about not being able to join the boys. She could have slept with them but she wouldn't stop talking so, after a warning, we had to put her in her own bed. This morning she was still mad about it. So, I told her next time we'll have a friend of hers over and it will be in her room. And, I'll double-check on her friend's wake-up time!